I've avoided routine so here I am writing about it

"You should get a hobby" - Lee 

The funny thing is, this is not the first time someone has told me this. About two years ago, a friend and I discussed the necessity of having a hobby. I was so gungho on the fact that I was going to be the next succulent cultivator extraordinaire. I would have a t-shirt made that would save succulent mama and the garden would be flourishing within a few months or so. My first row of succulent sucklings died within the week and here I am two years later buying succulents from my local Walmart. 

Two years later and unable to sit still in my own living room when my brain is craving an activity. But really, my brain is craving routine. An my lack of routine has found me somewhere in the middle of anxious hopeful hobbyist and professional snooze button hitter. 

In a recent podcast, an author was describing the differences between anxiety and depression. I know the two all too well, but I've never paused for a moment to distinguish the difference. 

Sarah Wilson, author of First, We make the Beast Beautiful, describes anxiety as an anticipation of what's to come. Depression is a reflection of the past and basically ruminating on a thought or feeling for far too long. She began to speak on how routine minimizes decision making which in turn minimizes anxiety, and in my opinion, eliminates the possibility of depression. 

My lack of routine in life has, without a doubt, brought me to a place of anxiousness. When I begin to feel anxious, my first weapon (although it should be prayer) is to reflect back on what was. Leading to a vicious cycle of apathy and tension. 

Preaching to myself on this one, I'm ready for routine and to be straightforward I have some goals that I need to figure the heck out. 

#1. GET YOUR BOOTY OUT OF BED – Lee will appreciate me not setting 5 alarms only to avoid all 5. 

#2 EAT GOOD STUFF – Edible flowers and sprouts have found their way into our fridge. Lots of water, that too. 

#3 TAKE YOUR MEDS – Sorry to get real, but one of the biggest culprits of my foot tapping and numbness when I wake up is skipping on my medically prescribed anti-depressant. You skip one day, then two, or three or maybe you're like me and you go through a bottle and get too lazy to go to the pharmacy. Each day, I take an oval cream pill that helps me stand a little taller and sleep a little better. 

#4 WALK, DAILY. Walking has been proven to pump more oxygen to your brain and in turn ya know, clearer thoughts...more energy. 

#5 AVOID THE SCROLL AT 6:30AM – You know what I mean, instagrammers. 

So there it is, a summary of my path to routine recovery. 

And by the way, I chose a hobby, it's blogging. 

If you had grown old

If you had grown old you would have been the first to tell me to stop dying my hair with that stupid box color and sit down in your chair. You would have fussed every time I didn't like it, but you would have gladly changed it until I was happy. We'd probably agree to disagree about the fact that I now have bangs.

You would laugh at the fact that I grew up to enjoy Kombucha. I laugh at this.

Goodness – you would love the restaurants that we have now. I never asked, but I bet you would've loved to spend too much money on charcuterie boards like me just because it makes you feel fancy.

I bet you would say yes every time I called you to ask you to go to Final Cut with me and I have no doubt in mind that you would try and stuff yourself into the ridiculous glittery dress that was hiding at the bottom of the box or make me do it so that you could take a picture. You would have most definitely posted in on Facebook afterwards. I wish was cool then, then I could look back now on your memories.

I joke a lot about wanting a chihuahua . . . but you would've convinced me to really get one.

I kill plants on the regular, but I bet you would've taught me the best way to keep them alive or which ones to buy so that I could keep on forgetting to water them and they'd be fine anyway.

I would have got you back for that one time you unscrewed the lid on the red pepper seed and handed it to me to use. Yo Pizza is gone by the way and the deli isn't the same – but we won't get into that.

You would really like Lee. You would probably pick on him just the same as me, but in the end, I know you would secretly love him.

You would have made sure that I wore my hair up on my wedding day and that the Twist was played so that Da + Pa would steal the dance floor.

I'm not pregnant yet, but if I was, you would tell me there was a mini me hanging out in there and that she would be spoiled rotten too. When a craving struck, you'd give me a can of tuna in easy mac. You'd be there for it all but you would've told me that the baby name I chose was strange. You would have gladly hung a picture of her on the mirror at work so the old ladies could see.

I can't recall how you took your coffee (if at all), but we would've discovered that too.

It's been 11 years, 11 whole years of you getting to hang out with Jesus. Selfishly, I wish you were here to have done all of these things with me, but selflessly I know that you're home.